fluffy the dolphin
fluffy the dolphin was a unique dolfin. not only could he speak dolfin, and swim in the ocean like the other dolfins, fluffy had a secret. fluffy used to be a centaur in his previous life. being re-incarnated as a dolfin, fluffy missed the old days of being a half horse, half man. this made fluffy sad on occasion, and the other dolfins could see it. fluffy never told his secret to another dolfin, in fear of being laughed at and being removed from the school of dolfins he usually associates with. on a warm srping day in may, fluffy was off doing some exploring on his own, and he ran into a jellyfish looking thing he had never seen before. as he approached with caution, the jellyfish thing transformed into a midget lephrachaun inside of a submarine disguised as a pot of gold. fluffy was shocked, and backed up a tad in order to assess the situation. the midget leprachaun begin to speak dolfin to fluffy. he said he knew his secret, and could grant him access to be able to shapeshift into the centaur he once was if he so chose. fluffy had some concerns with this, but after seeing the midget leprachaun do this first hand, he sort of believed him. the midget leprachaun told this story of an old wizard named dumbleydor, who had the magic of shapeshifting. dumbleydor was a great great great great great great grandfather of the midget leprachauns best friends half sisters grandmom. and the story was passed down thru the generations of how to achieve his magically delicious secret of shape shifting. all one had to do was repeat the words, " helen keller, helen keller, helen keller, was a mean old woman who did not like skittles, but indulged in the wonderful delite that was her own private flower". this made no sense to fluffy, but he said the words, and out of nowhere, dumbleydor appeared before his very eyes in a full scuba suit! who has summoned me to this wretched place you call the pacific ocean? this had better be good because i was about to score with 3 hot women and a couple of gerbals. fluffy explained the story to him the midget leprachaun had told him, and it was so. dumbleydor then cast his magic spell on fluffy by waving his hands around like a retard in a sperm bank, and said, goobily gobbley bobbity boo! and BAM! fluffy had a tiny button on chest. dumbleydor then explained how to use the button to fluffy. in order to transform yourself into what you want, you must think of it, and hit the button. now be warned fluffy, for after the first time you do it, you can not reselect waht you will be transformed into anymore. after the first one, thats it. you will only be able to transform between the two. so choose wise. and poof! dumbleydor was gone. the midget leprachaun said, i told you so, and transformed back into a jelly like thing, and floated off into the see. anxious to try it out, fluffy headed for the shore, it was only a mile or so. within a few minutes, fluffy was near the shore when he found himself struggling for no reason. he couldnt explain it, but he seemed to be trapped. OMG he screamed, im in a net. im gonna be bumblebee tuna he exclaimed. he hit the button in a panic, and whoosssh, he turned into a can of bumblebee tuna. poor fluffy forgot that whatever you thought about before you pressed the button was what you would become. now fluffy was in quite a bit of shock as this happened. first of all, he did not want to be tuna, second of all, he now had no way to push the button, being a can of bumblebee tuna. and that is the story of fluffy the dolfin. the poor centaur reincarnated into a dolfing who was granted the power of shapeshifting, shapeshifted himself into a can of tuna. how ironic, fluffy thought. as he sat and waited to dumped onto the deck, and eatin by some strange person.
ill have my meal hoff-sized, if you please.
so there i was, face to face with the one and only david hasslehoff. it was a showdown. as david looked at me, i looked at pamela anderson sitting inside of kit. she looked at me, my muscles pulsating thru my shirt is enuff to turn on any woman in my opinion. and david says something to me. jean claude, what is your problem with me? i wish not to fight you, i just got my hair permed. i laughed at his puny attempt to diffuse my wrath of ass whooping. perm or no perm, JCVD came to do business. i cocked my hand and pimpsmacked him in front of the pamela anderson. david did not take to kindly to this, ripped off his clothes, and to my shock. slapped me in the face with his 17 foot dong. yes, now i know why the woman love him. 17 feet all raveled up in his pants, its amazing, i stood in awe of his huge dong. i bowed down to the king of dongs. i said i apologize, and gave him a new nickname. for now on, david hasslehoff to me, will be called dong king. king of tv superstardom, and babe getting, and now also for a 17 foot dong.
once upon a time a man by the name of junior arised from the ashes, much like a phoenix. upon his rebirth to this glorious land, he was struck with such beauty we call earth. he had no recolection of his previous self, nor how he had arrived at this destination, reborn. he was in front of a mcdonalds. its golden arches glowing in the pale moonlight of a thursday evening. he was naked, like a terminator coming back in time from the future, yet looked nothing like a strapping young arnold. in fact his body was frail and pale, like a glass of milk. his bones were long, and his hair was a dark brown. not really knowing society and how it reacted to such freaks of nature, he entered the glowing arches of this mcdonalds and walked up to the counter. the night shift manager was named jimbo, and as junior approached, his jaw dropped like paris hiltons panties. he had never seen this before. a naked man entering his mcdonalds calm and collective like nothing was wrong. junior said to jimbo, food. drink. now. jimbo astonished this man spoke english confused him only for a second, because what happened next, he thought he would never see in a million lifetimes.
junior transformed his arm into an automatic sub uzi machine gun. and shot himself in the head. then, out of the thin cloudy smoke from the gun, his body turned to ashes, and he once again arose. jimbo let out a cry of that by a man whose butt was being penetrated for the first time. junior looked at him and said, where am i? why am i naked? and why in the world am i in a mcdonalds? im a vegetarian for crying out loud. to make sure the events were not repeated, jimbo quickly explained that they indeed have salads and walnuts for vegetarians. he offered a salad to junior and he accepted, but quickly realized he had no money. the fact he was naked did not concern him at the moment, but it soon struck him as odd, seing how others around him were fully clothed. jimbo sat junior down, and fed him and grabbed him an old uniform from the back. junior ate teh food and was satisfied like a virgin after his first lay and marlboro. being a somewhat slow thursday night, and having a sign reading now hiring outside, jimbo had a strange idea. he bounced the idea back and forth in his head like he had his balls on some young womans chin earlier that week and decided he would ask junior if he would like a job. thinking of how to approach a man he just saw naked, turn his arm into a gun and blow his head off, then re-appear and order a salad was quite confusing. so he came up with an idea, and walked over to him, and sat down.
junior stared blankly into jimbos eyes, confused at what he was hearing. this guy wants to give me money, to cook big macs? this is sac-religious for a vegetarian he told himself. as jimbo awaited his answer, he thought back about how he approached junior, and a sudden flash of hell. he walked up to him, smacked him in the face with a greasy spatula, and told junior he was goin to be his personal mcdonald slave in the day, and his own butt lover at night. and since junior had no id, no idea where he came from, or anything like that, he knew he could kill junior and have butt love with his dead butt if he so choosed to do that. not that jimbo was into necrophelia, but he had kind of thought about it in the past. now here was the perfect way to do it and not get caught. but he messed up. he told junior his plans, now junior knew. and that was when he had his flash of hell. BOOM. back to the now. junior had an angry look on his face. jimbo knew something bad was about to happen, so he started to run. he could hear it coming but could not figure out the noise. he turned to look, but knew it was a mistake. and as he turned around, there they were, junior had transformed his fingers into mini dildos, and they were flying at him with the velocity of anal beads coming out britney spears ass. the struck him with blunt force, and he fell to the ground. junior was now standing over him. and jimbo, lying there in his own mcdonalds, knew this was the end of his pathetic existance, knowing he should never mess with a reborn again reborn thing
montana is awesome
so there he was, and what a predicament. she was laying on the bed naked spread eagle, practially begging him to rock her like a hurricane. she had long flowing dark hair, and her body was as vuloptuos as some low fat yogurt. the only thing that stopped him from immediately jumping on her was the fact he knew she had aids. you see, he was her doctor, and he had asked her to lunch to explain the results of some blood work he had done for her. she was completely oblivious to this, and thought the doctor was hot, and deserving of her worthy poon. unfortunately for her, she had been to kind with her poon, and it landed her between a rock and hard place now, after getting aids. he had explained that maybe they should have lunch first, then maybe desert later. she smiled, and agreed. she got dressed in some sexy attire, and they headed to the local taco bell. she had some taco supremes, and he had that crunchwrap thingy. after they were done they were having small talk and she looked him dead in the eyes, and said, if you dont come back to my house and bone me like a whore, i will take this knife and slash your balls off and replace them with your eyes. he thought she was joking, but felt the edge of the knife close enough to his scrotum that he said, what the hell. he wanted to tell her about the aids, but since his wife was cheating on him anyway, he didnt care anymore. they went back to her place and he pounded it like a jackhammer. she came harder that hurricane katrina through new orleans, and the whole neighborhood heard it. after he was done, he said to the gorgeous brunette. im afraid i have some bad news. she looked at him like what could be wrong after that experience? he told her about the lab results and she had aids. she said, i know. your wife paid me to sleep with you so you would die, so she can be with her young new lover! you were set up doc. he felt sick to his stomach, and fell to his knees. he screamed and yelled like one of those spoiled girls on my super sweet 16 party show on mtv. at this point, he did the only thing he could think of. he made love to the girl one more time. then, he left his wife that night, packed up all his stuff, and said goodbye to her. but before he did that, he punched her in the face till she was knocked out, then had mouth sex with her unconcious body. he finished in her mouth, and washed it down with water so she would be none the wiser. a year later she had gotten aids, whom she gave to her boyfriend who she left her doctor husband for, who gave it to a teacher at a local high school, who gave it to a student, who gave it to 5 other students, who in return, got the whole state of montana infected with aids. 50 years later, montana does not exist as a state, its just a big graveyard where we send dead bodies, and convicted felons.
omfg!! todd the armadillo
it was almost a normal saturday, just like the rest, when the phone ring and gave todd some very disturbing news. on the other end was the hospital, stating to speak with the parents of todds. todd said, why do you want to speak to my parents? cant you just speak with me? the lady on the other end, gretta, said dont be silly boy, put your parents on the phone, this is serious business. todd yelled for his mom to pick up the phone, and he listened quitely on the other end. gretta started, ma'am im sorry to inform you that your son todd is dead, he was "fooling" around with large rodents with a friend of his, matt, and had an accident for the worse. she gasped, what?! what do you mean? large rodents? accidents? i, i cant believe this. gretta stated, yes, your son was a sick son of a bitch, no offense ma'am. but he liked rodents in his butthole. and his friend matt put them in there. she stated this was impossible because todd was downstairs. he answered the phone. gretta assured the mother it was him and asked her to come down for visual idetification. she agreed. she went downstairs and there was todd , plain as day, so they said wtf, well go down there and show them its not him, and this is a mistake. they get to the hospital, and talk to gretta, show her todd irl, and his id, and she says, look, i know who i got down there with an armadillo in his ass, ok? they walk downstairs to the coroners room, and sure enough, plain as day, is todd, laying dead, with an armadillo in his ass, wearing assless chaps, a clear tight plastic raving shirt of some kind, and bright purple lipstick. she looked at her son todd, the alive one and said, i dont get it? what happend? how is this possible? todd then began to make a weird sound, and started to foam at the mouth. he began trembeling like a woman coming for the umpteenth time, then, in an instant, the armadillo in the dead sons ass disapears, and pops out of his alive self, like BAM! it just happened, then the armadillo looked at todds mom, and said, your next bitch, and he punched her in the left boob, then gave her a left jab to the chin. she fell to the ground. he jumped on top of her and yelled, screaming yippie aramadillo knock out super punch power bitch, i just pwnt you! he proceeded to rip off her clothes with his teeth, tearing them to shreds. then her flung her upside down, and stuck his head in her ass like a tick.
gretta stood there, amazed, raised her hand, the armadillo said, what do you want gretta? she said, its been a while since i have had action like that, can i be next?
ralph and charlie
charlie the fly was talking to his friend ralph the butterfly one fridged afternoon in august. they were nestled underneath of a shady rock with a few pieces of dog dung to eat on, so they would be fine for a few days. the two were shooting the breeze about the old days. how charlie missed being an adventurous fly, he would fly all over and seek out different types of dung, and sit on peoples corn on the cobs, and the likes. ralph stated he enjoyed being a cattipiler with all the legs, and the huge dong to satistfy other catapillars with. charlie started to cry and proceeded to tell ralph that he could no longer fly. it had been about 24 minutes or so since he found out he was diagnosed with not-fly from his family doctor. not-fly does exactly what it says, charlie cant fly anymore and hes clearly upset. ralph tryed to console him but charlie was bad off. to try and lighten the load , ralph told charlie he always wanted to be a fighter plane, with guns and bullets and bombs and super fast go boom noise jet propellers. they started to cry together. they were crying to each other like a couple of bitches watching friday the 13th the final chapter, when freddy actually died for good. then, out of the clear blue sky, the damnest thing happened.a kid had scooped them up in his new toy, the fly and butterfly net catcher of super astonishing fun. ralph and charlie had know idea this kid was a maniac though. before they knew it they were locked in a jar with seal sealed tyte. the kid then went and grabbed a little firecracker, lit it, and stuck it in the jar. in 4 seconds, it blew up, keeping the jar intact, however, the same can not be said for ralph and charlie.
splash goes the pizza
It was a Tuesday morning and the sun arose just like any other Tuesday. On that day David woke up at 3:27 pm to something he had never seen before. At the foot of his bed was a transparent figure which resembled something of a cross between a fried chicken thigh, and the hulk. He wiped his eyes, hoping this was but a dream, but unfortunately for him, it wasn’t.
The entity before him spoke in a raspy voice that sounded like one of Marge Simpson’s sisters mixed with a touch of a high squealed voice like that of a 13 year old boy trying to sing Cyndi Lauper’s “girls just want to have fun”.
The words uttered out of his mouth slowly, precise and clear on what he had wanted David to do. He instructed David to get out of bed, go downstairs to the freezer, and defrost him some fish sticks, with 2 ounces of mustard, a half ounce of worstershire sauce, and a pinch of fresh squeezed lemon juice. David asked what this peculiar recipe was for, and it just instructed him to do it, or else the consequences would be great.
As he prepared this meal, he kept thinking this was not real, but it seemed all too real.
He heard a noise to his left, and as he turned to see what it was, it was the thing that awoke him in his bedroom. It spoke. “My name is Jukitar and I come from underneath the soles of basketball players sneakers.”
David looked befuddled, and stared at him for the longest time, like when you see three midgets all banging an absurdly fat woman on a park bench while two regular size men throw lettuce, onions, and tomatoes at them as if making some odd type of hamburger.
“How is that possible?” David uttered.
Jukitar responded, “Simple you idiot, after a pair of shoes is worn once in the NBA, they throw them away. I am the lost souls of over twenty thousand pairs of once used NBA Nikes, Adidas, and Converse shoes. I arrived here in this universe not 3 days ago and it was my dire urge to have those fish sticks with said ingrediants.”
David served him his food, and sat while jukitar ate this very strange combination. He ate his food and savored every bit of it, and when he was done, he looked at David, and hurled a pair of 1994 size 16 Air Jordans right at his face. David was knocked out from the impact of shoes that suddenly appeared in his grill like some chicken and hot dogs at a july 4th cook out.
the demise of a fly in love
on a sad note.
tigerlily, the oldest known fly in the world, has just passed away. tigerlily was born a maggot in 1932, we believe, somewhere in Rhode Island. He migrated to southern Indiana around the 1960's and lived there until his death. We know his age based on carbon dating, and the fact that he wrote a letter that was sitting next to him. Tigerlily was disturbed, and had an awful life. His wife left him in 1961, to be with a younger, more agile fly, who claimed to have more eyes. She took their 93 kids with her, and that is when tigerlily went to indiana. the note also informed us that tigerlilys parents abanded him, and said they knew he would be nothing more than a loser in his time as a life, saying you will never find a steady supply of shit to sit on, and picnics to crash because he was retarded like a box of lucky strikes soaking wet with no lighter on the moon. they said if he didnt die from starvation, he was sure enough to get pwnt by a flyswatter, because he was slow due to the fact that his mom smoked a lot of crack while she was laying her larva on the sidewalk next to a coke can. the note ended with this statement.
"i could have lived forever, my parents were wrong, and that bitch of a wife took everything i ever loved away from me. i hope she rots in stinking pile of dirty dishes and gets destroyed by a garbage disposal. i chose to end my life today because i have done all i wanted to do. i had kids, a wife, multiple piles of shit to land on, thousands of picnics to bug and annoy, and i simply feel like there is no better way to die, than to do it your way.
ps.- you didnt know flys could write did you? you stupid humans, your ignorant to the wild. ignorant.
the scientist who found this was amazed, and called everyone he could, and everyone said he was crazy and stupid. the scientist was found next to tigerlily, with a note that said.
"read his you assholes"
the frugal design of love
my time here passes by slowly, like a turtle in a snowstorm, walking uphill with 59mph gusts of wind downward onto his head, relentlessy trying to stop his journey to the top. but that turtle holds his head high and embraces those gusts of wind and marches on, knowing that at the end of his long, hard fought journey, his woman will be waiting with open turtle arms, her head too, held high, waiting for her turtle man to grab her vigorously, pull her body to his, and plant those turtle lips upon hers, at which point fireworks in the brain go off the the grand finale' of a firework show in disney on the fourth of july. it is for that very moment that the turtle lives his life. and the same for female turtle. as distance and time seperates them, it draws them closer when they meet, for the time they share to together is embraced and cherished as if it might not come again. turtles know that their life is something to value, as it may not be there the next day, the next hour, or the next minute, and they live for the moments they get to share with one another. whether its just a simple slap on the shell, a tug of their leg, a kiss on those cute turtle lips, or the act of mating, those are the times when those turtles are happiest. just being with his turtle woman gives the male turtle a warm feeling of happiness, confidence, and sense of being loved he has not ever experienced before. although he might not show it oftentimes, he tries to let the female turle know his true feelings for her, for he knows his female turtle companion loves him for who he is, big turtle shell and all. and that male turtle just wants her to know the same thing, and that he has never loved another female turtle the way he loves this one, and that he would do anything for said female turtle. and as the night comes to end of their time together, the male turtle grabs his female companion, squeezes her tightly and hugs, and as he feels the energy of love exude from their bodies, he sheds a single tear of happiness, for he has found his true turtle love in which he would do anything for, and longs for these moments. and as he leaves his female turtle friend for the evening, he says in turtle speak, i love you. as the male turtle walks away, back down the hill, he smiles, knowing that the next day he wakes up, he has that long journey again, to see his female turtle. and he will again see his female turtles beautiful smile, and embrace her smooth turtle skin once again, which makes every step of the journey worth it.
the sight he sees sounds beautiful
the following story is not true, although it could be.
he woke up from a deep sleep, and could not see anything. he closed his eyes and opened them back up several times, each with the same result. he could not see. he started to panic. he was breathing hard, and started to cry. he heard a lot of noises coming from outside. maybe his hearing was better now that he could not see, he did not know, but he wish he could see. he wanted to look in the mirror and see how bueatiful he was. he loved his body. he thought his shit did not stink, and it didnt. he took a pill that made it smell like roses and honey. as he got out of bed and starting stumbling around in the darkess, he came upon his telephone. he picked it up and dialed 911. hello the operator said, can i help you with an emergency? he told her he could not see, but that he could before, and requested an ambulance to take him to the hospital for an eye exam. she complied and sent one on the way. while the ambulance was en route, he got dressed. he thought he put on his fine leather pants, his tiger print button up silk shirt, and his aligator skin boots. he capped this off with a bright pink kangol hat. or at least he thought. what he put on was neon clear plastic pants, with a silk shirt that said " rainbows and flamingos are my kind of bag baby", some purple and red high heals, and a texas styled wide brim hat with the words, "im gay for texas". why this gentleman, named Harry had all this in his closet, is still weird to me. the ambulance showed up at the house, and came in and saw harry dressed this way, and immediately the two paramedics burst into laughter. harry said this was not funny, he could not see, its no laughing matter. he told them to stop laughing. the two paramedics looked at each, stunned to the unbelievable sight of this man and his outfit. harry said you have to take me to the hospital and run some tests on my eyes to figure out what was goin on. one paramedic walked over to harry, touched him gently on the shoulder and said, stand still, i know why you cant see, i will help you get your sight back. harry said really? you know whats wrong? ill be able to see one day? yes, said the paramedic, as he lifted the eye patchs off his eyes, harry cryed with disbelief. he hugged the man and said THANK YOU, THANK YOU for curing me, but i must know sir, how did you do it? the paramedic said to him, im a savior, your savior, you will owe me your life for curing you of this disease. harry agreed, and for the next 37 years, until harry died, he gave the paramedic a blowjob everynight before he went to bed. and although the paramedics wife thought this was a little weird, she said it was fine because at least she didnt have to do it.
So the other day this guy comes up to me and says he is better than me. I told him to prove it. Well, he pulls out 2000 dollars in cash, shows me his 50,000 dollar bmw, and out steps a hot French model. I said, ok, so you might be better than me, but let me show you what I got. I pulled out a machine gun and shot him in the legs, killed his wife and blew up his bmw. I said sir, now I am better than you. You will never walk again, and you no longer have a sweet car and a hot wife. I win. He started to say something, but I had enough, so I shot him in the teeth. Then I laughed all the way to the bank.
i was in germany, attending oktoberfest, when this fine little german broad approaches me. she said she always had a thing for slightly over weight americans. i looked at her with a look, the kind you make after you find out your wife just made love to 16 cows, then came home and wanted more from you. i asked her if she was drunk, high or just plain crazy. she said she was none of the above, and that i tickled her fancy, and she wanted me to tickle elsewhere. i agreed, and we went back to her place. after we walked in, i noticed something strange. she had what appeared to be skulls around her whole apartment. it struck me as odd, and i was going to say something, but she had gotten naked, and i was fixated on her smooth bum. i excitely ran towards her, with a raging hard on, and as soon as i got close enough to touch her, she transformed into a giant, fire breathing toad. she scorched my body from the outside in, and before i knew it, i was in heaven. chilling with my homeboys tupac and biggie, smokin a spliff, and drinkin a 40. we were jamming out to some bethoven and checkin out those fly ass ho's from the caveman era. w00t its great.